Let me sign.

I was damned by the light coming
All over as she
Spoke with a voice that
Disrupted the sky
She said, "Walk on over, yeah, to this bit of shade
I will wrap you in my arms."
And she said, "Let me sign."



"Why are you doing this?" they ask me.

"What?"

"Why?" they repeat. "Why are you doing this? Over and over and over."

I shake my head. I cannot answer. I cannot answer because I cannot conclude why I feel this way. I look at them with eyes too educated and too understanding. I look at them with sad eyes, sad because they do not see the hurt in them. I try to show them. They will not see.

None of them know. None of them will know. I sit in my room all night, every night. I sit and cry. I listen to the music I do not listen to during the day. I hear the things I do not hear when I know every face can see my own.

What if I did? I ask myself. What if I listened to the music during the day? And what if I heard and said and felt the things I feel when people can see? What would happen then, huh? What would happen then?

What would happen then?

That is what I am afraid of. That is what keeps me up nights. That is what distracts me in classrooms as I sit and listen but to not hear the things teachers tell me, the things that really should be what I know now, instead of the black square I see.

I look at them and wonder how they're real. I wonder and wonder and I ask myself and I ponder. In fact, I think about these things more than anyone would guess. It is a sickness. It is a disease. And I am a victim.

I am scared. I am frightened. I am terrified. I am horrified. I am so scared of this world, and my mind.

I do not like me. I do not like who they tell me to be. I do not like who I tell myself to be. I do not like it. I like them. I want to be them. I want to know them. I want to see them. I want to see myself in them.

The worst part is that I cannot escape. I cannot fight against it. The feeling is a vibe. The vibe is strong. The vibe is a power. The power controls. It controls me, and I do not know how to get away. I am frightened and scared and very confused.

I am losing myself.